Figured Out

-Sigh- for some reason it seems like I haven't posted in a while, which I guess is true depending. Anyways, I feel like I'm finally getting control of my life. Nothing surprising has happened, which is great since usually surprises directed at me aren't good ones.

I feel happier these days, something I haven't felt in a while. It almost seems strange to me, happiness. I mean, it's not like I have an aversion to it, nor do I enjoy being unhappy, but with everything that's been going on, it takes alot for me to genuinely smile and laugh. Let me explain what I mean when I say that.

Most times during the day, I tend to joke around and laugh alot with my friends, normal right? Well, the thing is that only about 30% of that is genuine. The rest is just me, trying to put on a happy face for those around me. It helps, since I doubt they would want to be with a person who's moping around all the time, which is how I feel on the inside.

It's hard though... forcing myself to at least seem happy. It's almost tiring. Sometimes I just want to give in to what I'm really feeling and say 'F*ck the world! I hate you all!' to everyone around me, frown all the time, and not even try to make an effort in everday life.

But I don't, because at this point I know better than that. I've realized that a few hours ago... it occured to me as I looked out my bedroom window, trying to clear my thoughts... I've given in before, and nothing good came of it, so why should I do it know when everything seemed to be falling into place? Why should I put my happiness at stake once again? Here's the answer, I shouldn't, because I deserve happiness. Everyone does, and no one should deny themselves the feeling of it.