Time Flies By.

I've always heard the expression, "Time flies by when you're having fun." This has always been proven true in my life, but time seems to fly even when I'm not having fun. Maybe I never realized it, since I wasn't always doing something that I enjoyed, but I started to this year (school year).

It feels like just yesterday I was walking into my first grade classroom, nervous about the people, the school, and my teacher. Now I'm walking confidently through the halls of a high school everday, going on as if I've been there forever. I guess that's a good thing, since it means I've gotten used to the whole change easily, but it also makes me feel a little sad.

It's funny; I used to dream about being "older" when I was really young, thinking about how great it would be when I got to a certain age, that I could do whatever I wanted. I guess, in some aspects, I still think that way, but the prospect of getting to be an adult is sort of daunting. It scares me that soon I'll have to be making my own desicions, not that I don't already, without the background influence of my parents.

I'll just have to make my last few years of youth worthwile. :]

QAF Forever.

Is it your job to make me unhappy? Do you enjoy ripping the things that make me happy away? It sure seems like it.

RAWR.

There are times when being random is probably the funnest thing there is. : D

Empty

I don't know why, but I feel empty inside... like there's a void that needs to be filled. I don't have a clue of how to fix it. That's what makes it worse. I try to ignore the feeling alot, but lately it's been getting more and more noticeable to the point where it starts to almost hurt.

In a way, I seem to know what's causing this void, but I don't want to confront the problem. For that reason alone, I guess I can say that the only thing stopping me from making this go away, is myself.

About to End

Have yew ever gotten that feeling, when yew know something bad is going to happen? Or perhaps when a relationship is going to go bad or possibly end?

The past few days, I've been having a feeling that the relationship between one of my good friends and I, is going to go bad. Why do I have these feelings, I'm not sure of yet. I do trust my intuition, though, something that hasn't failed me yet.

Of course, before I make a rash desision and completely end the friendship, I'll slowly distance myself from them, seeing how this person will act. I mean, I may be wrong, and there's no reason to end it at all, so for now, I'll see how everything progresses.

If I'm right, all I know is that, things will no longer be the same with this person.

Remembering

Not a while ago, I realized that I hadn't posted any new blogs in quite some time. Yes, I completely forgot that I had a blog really. I'm not sure how this could have happened; I'm usually very good at remembering things.

Take birthday's as an example. If I hear someone's date of birth at least three times in my life, I'm pretty sure I can remember, even if the person isn't that important to me. I can still remember the birthday of one of my childhood friends. I haven't seen her in about 8 years, but I can still tell yew her birthday and possibly other things about her such as her favorite color or food.

I'm not saying that I can remember every single thing I hear, because that would obviously include any facts or random pieces of knowledge, which would be truly amazing. I can remember small pieces of information that help me know a person better.

Most people can remember things easily and I that I'm not the only one. It's just strange to me that I could forget something that's actually really important to me... Oh, well. It's probably stress, or something.

Figured Out

-Sigh- for some reason it seems like I haven't posted in a while, which I guess is true depending. Anyways, I feel like I'm finally getting control of my life. Nothing surprising has happened, which is great since usually surprises directed at me aren't good ones.

I feel happier these days, something I haven't felt in a while. It almost seems strange to me, happiness. I mean, it's not like I have an aversion to it, nor do I enjoy being unhappy, but with everything that's been going on, it takes alot for me to genuinely smile and laugh. Let me explain what I mean when I say that.

Most times during the day, I tend to joke around and laugh alot with my friends, normal right? Well, the thing is that only about 30% of that is genuine. The rest is just me, trying to put on a happy face for those around me. It helps, since I doubt they would want to be with a person who's moping around all the time, which is how I feel on the inside.

It's hard though... forcing myself to at least seem happy. It's almost tiring. Sometimes I just want to give in to what I'm really feeling and say 'F*ck the world! I hate you all!' to everyone around me, frown all the time, and not even try to make an effort in everday life.

But I don't, because at this point I know better than that. I've realized that a few hours ago... it occured to me as I looked out my bedroom window, trying to clear my thoughts... I've given in before, and nothing good came of it, so why should I do it know when everything seemed to be falling into place? Why should I put my happiness at stake once again? Here's the answer, I shouldn't, because I deserve happiness. Everyone does, and no one should deny themselves the feeling of it.

Blah.

Okay, well it's been a while since I last posted, the only reason for that being that I haven't really had much to write about. Nothing important has really happened and I feel like I'm in a rut. I do the same things everday... get up, go to school, talk to the same people about alot of the same things, go home, call a friend at 5:00, get online for about 3 hours, go to sleep... then repeat it all again day after day. I don't do much else besides glue myself to a computer screen when I get home, since my parents won't let me do much else. They seem to hate that I spend most of my time at the computer, but it's not like the give me any other options. Whenever I ask to go somewhere, it's always, "Well, you don't do this... you don't do that... no you can' t go because your not responsible enough... blah blah blah!" It actually get's funny sometimes whenever they do this since their reasons for not letting me go are always along the lines of responsibility, something I know I have. Usually they start getting into things that have nothing to do with anything I was talking about. I really hate that for some reason. Like once I was talking about some new anime I had just started watching, and all of a sudden my mom started ranting about how the internet has so much of an influence on youth, showing us things about being bi and what not (yes she's in denile about me being bi... y'know the whole, 'my daughter's bi? no, she's definetly not, it's just a faze that will surely end soon'.) I mean I guess she has a point about the internet having an influence over people, but what the hell did that have to do with anything that I was talking about?! I still don't know why it came up at that specific time, but whatever. I guess parents are just weird like that sometimes... tee hee xD

Nothing new, nothing good.

Well, here I am, yet again urged to rant about my friends, or lack there of. But, no, I decided that for once I won't say something about it, because frankly I stopped caring. Therefore, on to other, but not any better, subjects.

The other day,well the other night, I had this dream where I was sitting at a lunch table with 2 friends and a not so friendly accquaintance. We were doing what we'd normally do, sitting there eating and talking, me trying to finish up some french homework. All of a sudden, I had a fit of coughing that wouldn't end. It hurt deep in my chest, which I guess was weird since apparently people can't get hurt in their dreams even though mine are usually so vivid that I do. So then when I looked down at my hand there were spots of blood dotting my hand. The sight kind of nauseated me, so I started to gag, then throw up onto the cafeteria floor. Naturally, following the bloody coughs, was bloody puke. Later on in the dream I found out that I had tuberculosis, but I won't go that far since the time I have on the computer has been limited (damn parents!). So I was just on my knees throwing up blood on the floor. Meanwhile, the people in the room were gawking at me, while the not so friendly accquaintance laughed at me...

*Sigh* I probably won't continue on with this since I'm probably going to start getting into an internal debate about this "accquaintance" who is really my old friend xD

This Shouldn't Need A Title.

Dear C,

Yew say yew care, that yew always have and that that will never change. Here is what I've been thinking about that since the day yew started favoring others: That is complete and utter bullshit. Yew don't care about me at all. The only reason yew did, if it wasn't all an act, was so that yew could be closer to them. Now that yew've realized that yew don't need me anymore yew've cast me aside, like I was nothing to yew but a distraction of yewr true goal. It made me sad to think of that... that yew didn't care... I wanted yew to so much, but I've realized that's not true. I just wanted someone in general to care, so I settled for yew.

I can truly say that now, that if yew were to abandon me, trade me in for her, someone yew thought was better, I won't care. Honestly, it would be a relief to have someone like yew out of my life. Yew did nothing but put me down, and when yew tried to bring me up, it did nothing but make it worse. What's worse, yew were two faced. Yew said one thing to me, then later when I was fighting with her, terrible things about me would suddenly come up, things that completely contradicted what yew said prior to the fight. At first I didn't understand why yew did this. Now I know why. Yew wanted her to think that yew would always be on her side, make me look bad to make yewrself look better. Well guess what, yew succeeded perfectly in doing so.

Goodbye and good riddance,
Angelica.

Nothing Important

Ah, vacation. I'm so happy to finally be taking a break from school, and all of the work that comes with it. Vacation's usually not that bad for me, it can be a bit boring sometimes, but at least I get to relax for a few days. That being said, with all of the free time I have, it seems like I have nothing to do whatsoever. For me, vacation almost always means that I get distanced from my friends, something I didn't appreciate. Now, though, I actually like the fact that I don't have to see them everyday. It's probably a result of that fall out with one of my good friends. Since that happened, another friend has followed, leaving me at a loss for how to deal with her. -Sigh- Whatever, I stress myself out by thinking about this too much. If they want to get all *cough*bitchy*cough* then I'll be sure to stay away, at least for the time being.

Ugh. That's the only word I can possibly think of to describe how I'm feeling right now. I've been sick for a few days and it's only been getting worse. My mother finally let me stay home from school today, though. I really hated it though, since I did absoultely nothing all day. It's funny since I never want to go to school. Yet, when I get an opportunity to stay home, I beg for the day to be over, for it to be the next day so I can just go to school. xD

♥

Just Another Day

Today isn't going especially great; Nothing of consequence has really happened. I woke up to find that my parents had gone out without me. I wasn't dissapointed or anything, I usually like to be home alone, it makes me feel so grown up xD. Anyways, I've been missing this guy all day (I won't say his name just in case he ever found this)! I've been friends with him for a while, and for the first time I started to see him differently. He can be a complete arsehole sometimes, but in a funny type of way. Of course, he even admits that he can be a jerk, not like those people that are complete bitches but are like "I am not a bitch, I'm misunderstood.", yet everyone else in this world believes them to be. Well, I got his sn this morning and have been talking to him for a little bit. It's been really nice.
'Till next time...
Angelica ♥

An Unwanted Mess

I recently had a spat with my parents, over, who knows what. It was mostly with my father, saying that he didn't understand how I could just talk about boys with my friends 24/7, and a bunch of other crap that I didn't really listen to. A thought occurred to me in the middle of his unnecessary ranting: My parents had yet to know that I was bi. Now, don't get me wrong, I feel terrible about keeping somethink like this from them, but at the same time, I know what they think about that whole subjebt of homosexuality/bisexuality. It's not that they hate it or think it's wrong, I just know that they wouldn't like the idea of having a bisexual daughter.

Example 1: I've always wanted an older brother and am writing a short story where I have an older brother, who is gay. I was really psyched about how the story was turning out so I decided to tell my mother about it, including the fact that I had an older, gay brother. She was really supportive of the whole thing, until I told her that I had made him gay. This she did not seem to like (i.e. facial expressions showing that she didn't like it... a muttered "oh please.")

Example 2: I made a few new friends this year that were actually bi themselves (I became friends with them before I knew this.) I told my parents about them and they didn't seem to happy about this. They made alot of comments saying that alot of bisexual are... slutty, if you will.

-Sigh- I know that at some point I'll have to tell my parents about this. For the time being I'll just have to keep it to myself.

A Bit Of Color